Perfectionism Unleashed: How to Use It to Your Advantage
High standards come hand in hand with high achievement. Yes, perfectionism can feed success just as it can bog you down. How can you get the most from your inner fusspot? And then let it go when it’s tripping you up?
What happens when you hear the word “perfectionist”? Does your skin crawl recollecting how your attention to every detail kept you from accomplishing that project? Do you relive the bitter disappointment of not having enough time to make that meal just right? The shame of dropping from fatigue before you got every single one of those emails answered?
Perfectionism swings both ways, from base-covering attention to detail to anal retentive fusspottery. Sometimes it helps as we strive for excellence. Sometimes it hinders when we seek flawlessness.
The Low-down on Perfectionism
The first definition of perfectionism in Merriem-Webster’s Dictionary is “the doctrine that the perfection of moral character constitutes a person's highest good,” which sounds like a noble pursuit to me. Yet psychologists and other authors on the topic zero in on the second definition: “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable” and its less-than-positive impacts on one’s life.
They describe three types of perfectionism:
Self-oriented: Our internal desire to be perfect.
Socially prescribed: The desire to live up to others’ expectations.
Other-oriented: When we hold others to unrealistic expectations.
And psychologist and author, Dr Elizabeth Lombardo, writing for Psychology Today, defined nine signs of being a perfectionist:
You think in all-or-nothing terms
You think, and then act, in extremes
You rarely delegate, since you can’t trust others to do a task correctly
You have demanding standards for yourself and others
You struggle to finish projects due to the need for constant improvement
You use the word “should” frequently
Your self-confidence depends on what you accomplish and how others react to you
You tend to ruminate over tasks where you feel you messed up
You procrastinate or avoid situations where you think you might not excel
The Stories We Tell
Uh, oh… I definitely see myself in that list. Like many with perfectionist tendencies, I’m a purist, always looking for quality and doing whatever it takes to up-level, be it thoroughly researching a blog post, zeroing in on the right temperature to make my morning coffee, always peeling tomatoes before serving them, or choosing the right time of day to optimize exercise and meditation. Yet, another part of me is quick to move on and not all that worried about dotting i’s and crossing t’s.
Of course, we are all full of contradictions like this. I’ve taken to studying my own, and I know that when I get bogged down in the details, it generally means I’m avoiding something that will push me out of my comfort zone. I also know that attention to detail can be a superpower—sometimes. So I assign my perfectionist to those tasks. It keeps her occupied so I can get on with reaching my goals. The perfectionist in me is only one of any number of other team members. I keep working on becoming more aware of who they are. Then I give them appropriate tasks to accomplish.
Embracing Imperfection
Here are some other approaches to embracing our imperfect humanness:
Dissociating self-esteem from the daily accomplishment of details. When I accepted I was still a good person even if there were dishes in the sink the next morning, I felt an extreme sense of liberation.
Reframing failure as an opportunity for new learning. This one could take some reprogramming depending on what you grew up believing about yourself and failure.
Crushing ANTS, as Jim Kwik puts it. This entails becoming aware of and putting an end to automatic negative thoughts (ANTS)—I’d never badmouth someone else the way I badmouth myself. It includes being more compassionate with oneself.
Creating a “realistic perfectionism” with questions with question such as: What level of excellence is needed? And realistically possible? What can I let go of? What would the costs be of relaxing a particular standard or ignoring a rule? What would the benefits be?
Remembering that continuous intention, not perfection, is what reaps rewards.
Recalling the law of diminishing returns: after a certain point, further activity becomes increasingly inefficient.
Celebrating wins. Always. No matter how small.
2-step Hack for Perfectionism
The most effective hack to perfectionism I’ve found has these two steps:
As odd as it may sound, I strive to listen intently when perfectionist tendencies arise. What are they trying to say? I ask if those high standards are mine or someone else’s. I ask if I can meet them. Mostly I ask if they will help me achieve my goals or if they get in the way.
Then I treat my inner perfectionist as a member of my team. Where can she be most helpful?
A meditation practice helps.
“Perfection is a trifle dull. It is not the least of life’s ironies that this, which we all aim at, is better not quite achieved.”